Unbound Ambitions; Career. Relationships. Wellbeing

Why You Shrink Yourself—And How to Stop

• Penelope Magoulianiti • Season 5 • Episode 5

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Are you tired of feeling the need to shrink yourself just to be accepted? 

In our latest episode, we delve into the hidden costs of playing small and the subconscious patterns that often keep us from shining in our true light.

The conversation emphasizes self-acceptance and the importance of living authentically.

• Discussing the meaning and consequences of dimming our light
• Examining societal conditioning that discourages women from being bold
• Sharing personal anecdotes about the fear of ambition
• Challenging listeners to reflect on their authenticity in daily life
• Encouraging bold actions that defy social expectations
• Introducing tools for reclaiming self-expression and power

If today’s conversation sparked something in you, share this episode with another woman who needs to hear it.

You can learn more about my book, Claws Out, Thriving in a World That Wants You Tamed, here.

Much love.




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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Unbound Ambitions, the podcast where aspirations meet action, dreams fuel drive and every ceiling is just another floor to break through. Here we celebrate the power of persistence, explore the art of balancing career and personal life and unlock the secrets to growth and fulfillment. Whether climbing the corporate ladder, navigating entrepreneurship or finding harmony in your daily life, unbound Ambitions is your companion in journeying toward your highest goals. Join us as we get real about challenges, present valuable information and equip you with insights for a life that's as thriving as it is grounded. Because here we believe your ambitions are just the beginning. And now your host, penelope Maglianiti.

Speaker 2:

Welcome to Unbound Ambitions, the podcast where we challenge limiting beliefs, redefine success and embrace the power of living boldly. I'm your host, penelope Magulianiti, and today I want to welcome you to this subject where we are diving into a conversation that's both deeply personal and universally relevant, and yet very few of us dare to talk about it openly, and that is what happens when we deem our light to fit into a world that demands conformity. So in this episode, we will explore the hidden cost of playing small, the subconscious patterns that are keeping us stuck and, most importantly, how to stop doing it. So if you ever felt like you've lost yourself in the pursuit of approval, this episode is for you. Today, we will break this down through a series of questions that many women have but often hesitate to ask out loud. So let's get into it. The first question that I want to ask is this why do we feel the need to dim our light? And let me explain what I mean by dimming our light, because it's not a word that many of us might have heard before. Dimming our light means holding ourselves back, or trying to change ourselves, trying to change behaviors, trying to change how we speak, to fit in. And to demonstrate this. I would like for you to imagine for a minute that you are in a room full of people and suddenly you realize that you are adjusting yourself and it looks like this You're toning down your enthusiasm, you try not to make too many gestures while you speak, you lower your voice, or you notice that you try to filter your opinions, trying to say the right thing that won't make other people uncomfortable or create a confrontation. Or maybe you downplay your ambitions.

Speaker 2:

And I watched myself judging myself the other day when, a couple of weeks ago, I was invited to this event where they asked us to share our big goals and the theme was there to dream. And when my turn came, I told them about my big, audacious goals and it felt good for a moment. But then I catch myself doubting my reasons and the thought that it was circling my head was that you shouldn't talk about your goals because it makes other people uncomfortable and it makes you look as materialistic, arrogant and opportunistic. Whoa Right, this is conditioning. And it took me 10 minutes of this inner, not so powerful chat with myself to realize what I was doing. My inner critic emerged and she was making me really uncomfortable. But let's be honest. My goals are mine, and if this is something that I want, I know what lengths of personal growth and transformation I need to go through to make it possible, need to go through to make it possible, and if I am willing to jump through loops to make it possible, then nobody else's business right.

Speaker 2:

So why do we do this? We do it because society rewards women for being agreeable, not audacious. We are conditioned to seek validation rather than self-expression from an early age. We are praised for being nice, being humble and accommodating rather than being bold, assertive and unapologetic. In that event that I just told you about, I felt that my goals made other people uncomfortable, but I want you to try to think back and remember. Have you ever felt like your success made others uncomfortable? That shrinking a little might make you more likable? That is the internalized messaging at play. The need for external validation often makes us compromise our authenticity.

Speaker 2:

Cultural expectations and upbringing play a role in shaping this tendency. I've talked about this many times and I will keep talking about this because it's so relevant. It drives our behaviors, it creates results that we don't want in our lives. It makes us sad, it makes us miserable, it makes us surrender, and just let you know, resign. This is the word that I've been looking on Resign from life, from what makes us bring, what brings us joy, what lights us up, and many of us we grew up with these messages that suggest standing out too much will lead to rejection or criticism, and these beliefs become ingrained and shape our behaviors as adults.

Speaker 2:

This conditioning translates in every area of our lives, into workplace dynamics and also into our personal relationships. We are told so many times that we should be team players and not to be too ambitious, and this is precisely what creates a cycle in which we feel we must play small to be accepted. What does playing small actually cost us, do you know? Because, beyond career stagnation, it affects our confidence, our relationships and, most importantly, the sense of self. Because when we suppress our true selves, this is when we experience dissatisfaction and this internal conflict. Or maybe we are sad and we don't know why.

Speaker 2:

And how does it feel to be in a role, whether in work or relationship, where you are constantly filtering yourself, finding yourself, being cautious continuously, never relax. How does it feel? I will tell you the consequences of this. This is what leads to burnout, exhaustion and a sense of not belong anywhere when we suppress our authenticity. We thrive in self-doubt. We are in a constant battle with our thoughts and actions. One minute we decide to do one thing and the next we worry that it might have been the wrong decision. We judge ourselves for not being able to decide, we take on so much that it's impossible to sustain and we end up exhausted and feeling disconnected from everything and everyone, ourselves included. When we stop listening to our needs and desires, we lose clarity and what we want and what brings us joy and, unfortunately, anxiety, depression, feeling emotionally drained. All this at the end leads to resentment. All these emotions often stem from not feeling seen or heard. They are the byproducts of suppressing your voice and over time, these effects compound and can also lead to physical stress. At the beginning of my book Close Out Thriving in a World that Wants you Tamed, I shared this metaphor and I want to read it to you right now, and this metaphor is called the house at the top of the hill.

Speaker 2:

There was once a beautiful house on top of a hill. It was vibrant and full of light, with every room decorated uniquely to reflect its owner's essence. The owner, a woman, loved her house and took pride in its beauty and uniqueness. One day, a visitor remarked that the house was too bright and unconventional and suggested that she tone it down. Eager to please, the woman closed a few windows and dimmed some lights. As time passed, more visitors came, each of whom offered their opinion on the way that the house should look. Some thought that the colors were too bold, the decorations too extravagant, the rooms too individualistic. Anxious to fit in and meet others' expectations, the woman began to close more windows, shut more doors and cover more of her unique decorations.

Speaker 2:

Gradually, the house grew darker and more uniform and lost its original charm and vibrancy. Sitting alone in her dim, cold house one day, the woman felt disconnected and unhappy. She realized that she had suppressed her true essence in her efforts to please others and thus lost touch with her light and uniqueness. Others, and thus lost touch with her light and uniqueness, she stopped shining because she was so afraid that she wouldn't fit in. Her marriage was broken. She felt like a stranger in her own body and lost her drive. No longer wishing to live this way, she threw open the windows, uncovered the decorations and let the light flood back in. Slowly, the house regained its vibrancy and uniqueness and the woman felt whole and joyful once more. So I want to ask you where have you been dimming your light to meet others' expectations?

Speaker 2:

There are countless examples of women who have lost opportunities due to self-censorship. Many competent women have hesitated to speak up in meetings, negotiate salaries or go after leadership roles, only to see less qualified peers advance, and the reason is that we don't recognize how capable we are. And then, if we know this is to be true and it is, as there is research backed by hard data that shows all of this then the question becomes how do we begin to reclaim our vibrancy? What's the first step to unlearning years of conditioning? We simply start by recognizing the situation we are currently living as it is, without justifying, without blaming or without hoping that things will change. Eventually, with all honesty, we start noticing when and where we are deeming ourselves, we are holding ourselves back, and a good question to ask is this am I holding back my opinion, my ambition or my energy right now? And the answer, when you ask this question, will come to you immediately. What are you afraid of? What is holding you back from showing as your authentic self? And how do we start recognizing where we are compromising ourselves from external approval, where we are compromising ourselves from external approval by paying attention to moments of discomfort, moments where you feel resentful or when you feel like you are conforming instead of expressing yourself. And a good way to pay more attention to this is journaling or reflecting on daily interactions. Make it a habit to take a couple of minutes by the end of the day to reflect on your daily interactions. I can guarantee you it can be an eye-opening experience. And because I want to challenge you, I want to talk about bold moves.

Speaker 2:

What's one thing you can do this week that defies the expectation to shrink yourself, and this can take many forms. It could be speaking up in a meeting expressing your opinion even if someone else disagrees. It might also mean wearing an outfit that expresses your personality instead of what is in fashion. It might also mean that you are asserting your needs in a relationship. You speak up about what you need and what will make you happy, and at the beginning you might face resistance, and the first pushback will come from your own brain. It will bring up so many excuses to convince you otherwise. But you must also expect the resistance from others when you start asserting your power. If you have provided for everyone and accommodated. Everyone needs up to this point. Nobody wants to become uncomfortable when it's comfortable and happy, and that's why it's so important to work on your self-belief and trust first, because when you believe in yourself, when you know what brings you joy, when you realize that what you have been doing for so long it wasn't at your best interest, it was draining your energy and light, only then you will be able to stand up for yourself, will be able to stand up for yourself, and I know that it can be scary to tell someone else the truth. I know that it can paralyze or can bring up so many fears.

Speaker 2:

I started working with a relationship coach when I found my relationship on a very rocky ground and I remember the shame I felt during our first session when I described to her what was going on. The thought that repeated back then in my head it was I should have been able to solve my problems on my own. I could hear my mother's voice in my head telling me what's going on behind closed doors. Nobody else needs to know, and this is a good example of what conditioning looks like. Why should we feel shame to tell someone about our pain and challenges if we know they can help us, why we shouldn't seek help for a personal issue, why we should stay silent. And thank God I didn't, because this coach saved my sanity and gave me space to think things through. It helped me see the stories my mind was creating, figuring out where my insecurities stemmed, and decide what kind of a woman I wanted to become. The role of a coach is invaluable, and that's why I love it so much.

Speaker 2:

To accept yourself as you are, you must first be willing to shine the light on your path right now. You don't need to compromise who you are, because if you do, you will suffer. So let's suck, recognize where we are. What's one area in your life where you've been holding back? Is it your voice at work, your creativity, your expression. And let me tell you this change won't be sustainable unless you pinpoint the real reason. Even if you discover that you're holding your voice back at work, you don't express your opinions, you're stopping yourself from speaking up at meetings and you decide to do it. You're going to do it once, maybe twice, and then you will stop again because you haven't resolved the real problem. Because you haven't resolved the real problem.

Speaker 2:

But I want to show you what it means and what it looks like to step into your whole self. Does it mean finally sharing your opinions freely? Does it mean embracing your leadership potential, even if it scares you? Or, unapologetically, in my case, pursuing a dream? Probably.

Speaker 2:

But to be able to do it, you must first be willing to figure out why you're feeling this way, why you are afraid to express yourself, why you are holding yourself back. And to be able to do this, you must be willing to feel the discomfort that this action brings, that this feeling brings, and sit with it for as long as it takes. Push through it afterwards. When you sit with it, when you understand it, when you see from where it's coming from, when you finally see the real reason behind the root of the cause for feeling like this, then you can push through it and then you can observe how it changes your sense of self. And when I say sit with the discomfort, I mean to not try to distract yourself by doing something else. This is what we do normally we try to distract ourselves, we try, we remember something else and we find excuses of. This is not the right time right now to sit with my discomfort. Actually, I don't like to feel this way, so maybe I shouldn't go there.

Speaker 2:

No, I want you to dissect your discomfort until you understand its root cause, and small mindset shifts like this can make a big difference, because once you understand the root of the emotion, the root of the problem, you will adopt small but powerful habits that reinforce self-confidence, you will start making intentional choices that align with your values and can strengthen your sense of self. This is what I had for you today. I hope you find it helpful. I hope that this conversation resonated with you. I know that many of us, probably when and many of us still go through experiences like this, and it doesn't mean that now that you know what has happened, you immediately stop playing small. It requires determination. It requires that will that no one and nobody is going to stop you for figuring out and pushing through and change can be scary, but dimming your light continuously by holding yourself back or trying to change who you are for the sake of others is painful and unfulfilling and unfulfilling.

Speaker 2:

And if you want to explore these ideas further, with Close Out Thriving in a World that Wants you Tamed, I will add the link to the show notes so you can learn more. I've written this book with one intention to help you recognize the truth and, once you do decide, to reclaim your voice, your power and your light. Until next time, much love. Thank you for joining me on this episode of Unbound Ambitions. If today's conversation sparked something in you, share this episode with another woman who needs to hear it. And if you're ready to reclaim your voice and power, check out, close Out, thriving in a world that wants you tamed.

Speaker 2:

Until next time, keep showing up fully shining unapologetically and always remember you were never meant to be tamed.